ASSOCIATES (2007, July, v. 14, no. 1) -

Katie Kintner

(Originally appeared in ASSOCIATES vol. 5, no. 1, July 1998)

We all know and love celebrities in our lives. These are the people who have made names for themselves in entertainment, sports, business and so on. But what if these people had made a different turn in their lives and became librarians? How would our libraries be different today?

Here is an example of what a patron might hear at the circulation desk if their librarian was a celebrity.

Bruce Willis : "Yippy yo ki yay, blankety blank. Your books are overdue.".

Jack Nicholson : "Have you ever danced with the librarian in the bright moonlight?"

Michael Keaton : "I'm book man."

Arnold Schwarzenegger : "You'll be back."

Xena : "Tattle (tape) on."

Dustin Hoffman : "This is definitely on the shelf. Yeah, definitely."

Chuck Norris : "This book is missing in action."

Bette Davis : "Fasten your safety belts, it's going to be a bumpy guide."

Katherine Hepburn : "The Rand-McNallies are in room 260 this year."

Roy Scheider : "You're gonna need a bigger book."

James Earl Jones : "Look, I am your shelver."

Alec Guinness : "Use the index."

Harrison Ford : "Tapes. I hate tapes."

Wilt Chamberlain : "I've checked over 20,000 books."

Bill Murray : "Back off man. I'm a librarian."

Charlton Heston : "Gardening! Soylent green is gardening!"

Elvis Presley : "Don't be late."

Roy Rogers : "Happy tales to you."

Kyle from "South Park" : "Omigod, they killed the OPAC!"

Stan from "South Park" : "The blankards!"

Kenny from "South Park" : "Mfmf fmemmff mmffuuff!"

Bart Simpson : "I'm the librarian, who the he-- are you?"

Homer Simpson : "Mmmmmm...barcodes."

Sally Field : "You renewed it! You really renewed it!"

E. T. : "Go home....go home..."

Robert Duvall : "I love the smell of mildew in the morning!"

Lauren Bacall : "You know how to barcode, don't you? Just pucker your fingers...and press..."

Kathleen Turner : "I'm not a bad librarian, I'm just drawn that way."

John Wayne : "Fill your debitcard, you blankety blank!"

Clark Gable : "Frankly my dear, I don't give parking validations."

Judy Garland : "I don't think we're in NOTIS any more."

Demi Moore : "What do you mean, you've never seen a naked librarian before?"

Got any more suggestions? Write them up and send them to me at and I'll put them in future issues!

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