ASSOCIATES (vol. 3, no. 1, July 1996) -

Table of Contents

             *Library Life: A Column of Eclectic Rantings*

                            Katie Buller

You KNOW you've spent too much time online when....
     you start putting little smilies :) in your everyday
     paper-written correspondence.
     you start receiving regular email from BIGJOE@REDNECK.COM
     and you LIKE it.
     you keep trying to save "Little House on the Prairie" as a
     bookmark on your tv.
     your office is being invaded by Mike Wallace and a "60
     Minutes" tv crew but you're too busy playing online bingo to
     the talking heads on tv start to look like transparent GIFs.
     your idea of a big party is more than 6 people in a chat
     room and everyone's pouring cyberchampagne.
     you won't pay attention to your boss unless she beeps at you
     you name your kids "Win95", "Telnet" and "Netscape".
     Mirksky's Worst of the Web is your startup page.
     you won't take your dog for a walk unless he's programmed to
     piddle at the same time every day.
     you can't go to bed without checking the "Xena: Warrior
     Princess" forum just one more time to see if anyone else
     thinks Gabrielle is a useless twit.
     your mailbox becomes filled with pro-Gabrielle hate mail.
     you automatically ask for a new beau's email address instead
     of his phone number.
     you only make whoopee after cruising the Playboy web site
     you call 911 after your hard drive fails.
     you've never seen your best friend's face.
     you're going camping and take your laptop along.
     you won't pick a fishing spot without checking the "Big
     Catch" web site first.
     your kids don't recognize you without a yellow glow on your
     you go to the mall and begin "cruising the web" on the
     automatic directory.
     you refer to your children as "subdirectories".
     Dilbert seems like a real person to you.
     your front yard is full of old broken-down monitors and disk
     you have your lawn shrubbery trimmed into the shape of a
     "Netscape Now" icon.
     you go to McDonald's and keep asking them for a "menu pick".
     you draw a picture of your girlfriend and it turns out like
     this :-)-8
     Radio Shack salespeople know you by name.
     the Rush Limbaugh web site actually begins to make sense.
     you get spammed and don't notice it.
     you sign your checks with your username instead of your real
     you won't pay your bills if they're not payable by
     electronic transfer.
     the mailman has a hernia from bringing you free America
     Online disks.
     all your correspondence begins with Dear
     Sir/Madam and ends with 
     the only cat you ever had is the one chasing the mouse
     around on your monitor screen
     you wonder why the birds keep replaying that sound file
     plug-in devices mean something besides a toaster to you.
     you actually UNDERSTAND html.
     you write stupid articles about "you know you've spent too
     much time online when..."